“It’s just a bloody corporate scam to get more of MY money!”
We all know a Valentine’s denier. The kinda person who gags at lovey-dovey stuff, PDA and thinks heart-shaped shit is the work of the devil.
There’s no dissuading them, but you should probably still get them a Valentine’s Day card. So we’ve compiled a list of the funniest, most hilarious, rudest cards for the most loving day of the year, JUST for the people who absolutely hate Valentine’s Day.
Fancy a Shag? Card
Simple, honest and straight to the point. But, written in a lovely font, inside of a frilly heart and with a lovely blue and white striped background. We love it.
Because realistically, this is the main reason why we’re giving gifts and cards on V Day, right? To increase our chances. To tip the scales in our favour. For a better chance at some… you know what.
And you can’t just write that on a crappy card and hope for the best. At least this one comes from the heart (kind of).
Tolerating Your Snoring Card
It’s hard enough getting to sleep without what sounds like the final breaths of a dying hippo lying right next to you. But for some of us, that’s the reality.
If you’re not into the soppy Valentine’s messages (fair), this gentle piss-taking of their uncontrollable trait is perfect for you. Although maybe they COULD go get it checked at the doctor’s, or buy some of those nose strip thingies.
Anyway, give this to your fave sleep apnoea-suffering snorer to remind them that, while they keep you awake all night, you still love ‘em.
You Are Less Annoying Than Most People Card
People ARE annoying. Like, why are you so annoying? We’re not annoying, so why are YOU?
But if there’s that one person who isn’t as annoying as others, and they just so happen to tolerate you as well, this is the perfect Valentine’s Day card for them.
No soppy message, so poems, just a reminder that while they are still a bit annoying, it’s nothing compared to most people.
Red Flags Valentine’s Day Card
Some people really do put the blinkers on when it comes to the obvious collection of not-so-desirable traits you’ve gathered over the years.
Since about 2020, we’ve called these ‘red flags’, and you’re lucky that some people ignore them. Especially your significant other.
This card is perfect for reminding them that you’re thankful they accept your flaws, and is a hilarious card to give on Valentine’s Day, especially if you/they hate it.
Phone Scroll Valentine’s Card
This is the definition of true love, and there’s no actual denying it.
It’s being entirely comfortable doomscrolling, checking your feed and watching a 34-part TikTok documentary series about a mass murderer next to someone who’s probably doing the exact same thing.
Makes your heart flutter just thinking about it.
Slag Off Valentine’s Day Card
Your partner’s literal job is to have your back for (nearly) everything, and that includes slagging off your friends and family behind their backs.
This is the perfect card for your fellow tea-spiller and gossip king/queen who will always be there to be pissed off alongside you.
Stealing The Covers Card
If you don’t believe in the Scandi sleep method (using two duvets) and your partner is a total cover-stealer, this is the card for you.
You wake up chilly, naked as the day you were born and totally vulnerable to the monsters that live under your bed - but you wouldn’t change them for the world. Because they’re YOUR cover-stealer.
