F*ck ‘tradition’. F*ck sentiment. Fuck putting a little * in swear words just because some people don’t like to read full swears. 

Your Valentine’s Day card should be rude, crude and maybe a little bit offensive, too. Because most relationships are built on taking the piss out of each other and just having a laugh. 

We’ve pulled together a collection of our favourite cheeky Valentine’s Day cards worth giving to your fave, even if it only makes YOU laugh. 

You Must Be A Pirate Card

If your Valentine has cake for DAYS, this is the card you should give them. 

What did Long John Silver, Redbeard and Captain Jack Sparrow all have in common? They all committed murder for the sake of booty. And if you’d do the same, specifically for your partner’s rear-of-the-decade, your Valentine’s Day is sorted. 

And if you play your card right, the treasure might be all yours come the 14th Feb…

Loveable Grump Card 

They might be an ogre, but they’re your ogre. You look past their grumpiness and see prince/princess charming, even if others don’t.

And for that, they should be rewarded with a hilarious card that only mildly insults them and their moody ways. You’re not technically saying they look like everyone’s favourite green character (soz Grinch), just that they’re a bit of a grump.

They probably already know that, anyway.

Massive Poo Card

Once you start going to the toilet with the door open, or even in the same room while brushing your teeth, it’s pretty serious.

And once you start telling your significant other about your bowel movements in great detail, you’re basically married. 

If you send them pics? You’re together for life. It’s essentially a binding contract.

No Refunds Card 

“Hi, I’d like to return this life partner. Yeah it just doesn’t really meet my expectations, it works fine but I thought there’d be more. I have a receipt from our first date, so I’d accept a gift card or an exchange if that’s ok?”

“No refunds, sorry.”

“Oh. Okay, thanks anyway.”

This is a completely made up scenario of what we think happens just before they realise they’re stuck with you forever. May as well remind them with this card, too. 

You Tick All The Boxes Card

Technically picking the same person for ‘Fuck Marry Kill’ is completely against the laws of the game and should be banned. 

But, they tick all of the boxes and you don’t want anyone else, so we’ll allow it. 

Give this card to your Valentine to remind them that you’re always their answer, ESPECIALLY the last one. 

Can You Pet My Cock? Card

Don’t Google this, but who decided to name it after a male chicken? Like, surely they knew this would cause a bit of confusion. Especially if you work on a farm. 

Anyway, this is a cheeky, very rude, very overt way of asking your Valentine for a favour. Because if you can’t do it on the 14th Feb, when can you? 

I Fucking Love You Card

‘Love you’ - Has no meaning, very boring, may as well not say it. 

‘I love you’ - Feels more heartfelt, has meaning, still a bit boring. 

‘I Fucking Love You’ - Meaningful, said from the chest, not boring, a great opportunity to swear.