Bet you didn’t know that Jellycats are absolute ballers, did you? 

The World Cup is drawing close, the teams are ready, the Americans are pretending to know the rules, and team Scribbler are placing numerous bets on England losing again. Unbelievable.

It got us thinking, what position would each Jellycat play if they had a team? Why did we think this? Dunno, really. Bored at work?

Goalkeeper - Amuseables Peach Shoulder Bag

Now, you might think “but peaches bruise really easily, why would one play in goal?”. Ah. Because the peach has been bruised so many times, it’s used to it. 

Which, admittedly, sounds way sadder than we first thought. But Peach’s big strap is perfect for stopping crosses and shots. 

Right Back - Pickle Bag Charm

Purely so we can say “ooh he’s got himself in a right (back) pickle!” when commentating on the game. 

Centre Back Pairing - Pink and White Marshmallows

One of the greatest partnerships in sports history probably - their smiling, happy faces are just a facade. They’re ruthless, ball-winning centre backs. 

Put ‘em together and nobody is ever scoring. Ever. 

Left Back - Asparagus

Not really sure why, but something about Asparagus just suggests that they’re left-footed. 

Plus, they can whip in some crosses that’ll spear the defence in two. 

Right Wing - Jerboa

Have you seen a Jerboa run? Rapid. Just imagine this lil guy bombing down the wing with the ball. Incredible. 

Centre Mid - Bartholomew Bear 

Every midfield needs a big beast to boss the pitch, and Bartholomew bear is IT. Don’t let their happy face and soft, brown fur fool you. 

He will eat the ball for breakfast. 

Centre Mid - Carole Canelé

Just sounds like a footballer, like a player that’s been tearing up the leagues for years. 

Is fast, and matches Bartholomew in terms of colour, which is nice. 

Left Wing - Carrot

Because if an asparagus is left footed, that means a carrot is right-footed. 

Don’t ask us why, we don’t make the rules (we totally do). 

Centre Forward - Aubergine Bum Bag

Stick the big’un up top and get some crosses into the box. The tried-and-tested method for goals. 

You know they’re gonna eggplant it in the back of the net.

Centre Forward - Broccoli

Just looks like a striker - tall, athletic, cruciferous. Can handle the heat and pressure without falling apart. 

What a team. Don’t ask us why we did this.